Thursday, August 20, 2009

Sinus, Boobs, Inhalers, Oh My!

I was keeping a list of things I need to "discuss" with my Dr for the past few weeks. I got to #5 on the list yesterday, so I made an appointment with him for this morning (no sense in rushing).

The office has been nicely updated and painted which makes it so much more relaxing to sit in the waiting room. (yeah, right). A chipper 20 something nurse called my name and my first thought was, "Where's Robbie?" Robbie is the nurse that has been there for like 5 years. She was awesome and has evidently moved. Bwwwwaaaahhhhhh!

I immediately walked over to the dreaded weighing machine in the corner. It looms there like a mechanical beast with all knowing eyes. It taunts me and growls, "let's see how the 5 glasses of wine and pound of m&ms* you consume every day is affecting you". I tell it to shut up. I can't help it if I am experiencing a few minor set backs in life at the moment which I self medicate with wine and m&ms. It gets me back though, when I see my weight. Damn scale, wins every time.

I evidently waddle into the exam room where perky nurse asks me what is up (other than my weight). I hand her my list of ailments and refills. She appears to be impressed with this list and laughs that I had scientifically written "boob pain" as number 2. When I try to use the word breast, Frank Perdue comes to mind, so I stick with boob. I guess I was the ideal patient because my vitals were good and my temp was exactly 98.6. This was good to her. I knew that a normal temp really meant that I was sick. Just a sinus infection, but my temp never gets to normal or above unless I am sick.

So she leaves and 3 chapters later, the Dr comes in (who is very laid back and cool). He tells me about Robbie's going away party which was at an outdoor restaurant complete with tiki bar and pool. I love it when a Dr. can appreciate a good tiki bar as much as I can. So we talk about the sinus infection, the refills, the inhaler and the benefits of one over the other, then we get to the fun part.

"Put this johnny on, open in the front."

He comes back with the perky nurse so there is proof that he isn't feeling me up for fun. I haven't been felt up in a long time, so I will take it where I can get it. Of course it is my right boob that is having the stabbing pain every once and awhile. I lay down. Evidently there was something wrong with the filter in my brain because I start talking like a stand up comedian in Vegas.

"It's the right one. She's the popular one anyway. I have had a few biopsies on her and a lump removed."
"After I felt myself up and couldn't come up with any new lumps or bumps, I thought I would come here."
"Oh, you are going to check the left one too? Yeah, she doesn't get nearly the action my right boob does. She's the 'unpopular' one."

Once he told me to sit up, my filter in my brain started up again and I could talk in regular, non-embarrasing sentences. He said nothing was there that he felt, but I would have a diagnostic mammogram instead of a regular one in November.

I raced out of his office as fast as my chubby legs would carry me with my 4 prescriptions in hand and what was left of my dignity. I can't wait until November!

*Mom, I have used creative license here to embellish this a bit. Please do not call AA or Over Eaters Anonymous on me yet.


Manic Mommy said...

My new OB/GYN chose a very unusual moment to ask me where I got my great tan lines. Awkward.

I hate trying to make conversation during "those times."

Hope everything else fine with the girls!

Melisa Wells said...

I really apologize for saying this, but I think this is the funniest thing I've read in a while. (sorry)

I love how you referred to the scale as the "weighing machine", like you're from another era. :)

I hope everything is fine; glad you went in to get everything checked out! said...

Very funny post. I laughed out loud (!!) at the notation to your Mom at the end. My Mom, bless her nervous heart, is the same way.
Loved it.

Tara R. said...

Maybe it's the whole lying down thing that clogs up the brain filter.

I never thought about it, but one of my Sisters is prolly the more popular one too. Having had her own biopsy before.

This was hilarious, only because it was so familiar.

Anonymous said...

I will be over later to raid your refrigerator of all the BAD stuff and bring it to my house! You'll never know where it went until you see my thighs! Love, Mom

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Love your boob humor!

If Matt finds my cell phone, please tell him to give a fitting burial at see. It jumped overboard so fast I didnt get to say goodbye!!


Mrs4444 said...

November? Sheesh! Being worried makes you funny and creative, so at least we'll be entertained in the next couple of months. Don't worry; it's probably just the dye in the M & M's.

Anonymous said...

I am going to keep my fingers crossed that November comes SOONER rather than later! However; you totally were cracking me up. I am not at the "feel the girls" stage (Aside from regular check ups and my own self check) but man, I am dreading the mammogram, really.

Anonymous said...

Glad you're ok!

I have many of these awkward moments, being in fertility treatment and all. But my fertility dr is Hilarious! He's always cracking jokes. Like before he uses the internal camera he'll "dim the lights to set the mood" and silly stuff like that.

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