Our Turn

Bobby and I took my brother, Tommy, into Dana Farber today for his radiation and chemo. It has been a day I have been looking forward to in a weird way. He has had 4 other chemo days and has been going to radiation 5 days a week since after Thanksgiving. I have been working on those days so other family members have taken him. Today was our day! 

We passed Fenway Park on our way in to the city.

Radiation was pretty quick so we waited in the cafeteria for over an hour. Tommy cannot taste anything and has sores in his mouth and throat, both things making it very difficult to eat or want to eat. His go to is tapioca pudding and apple juice.

We took a walk through the healing garden. It was very peaceful and made me feel better. Tommy's left cheek is swollen and red from the radiation which is making it hard to talk and smile.

We got to meet his adorable Dr (when did Drs get so young?). He has a house on the Cape, so of course we bribed him with lobster and clams. Dr was pleased with the progress and sent us on to chemo.

There is something to be said for seeing your brother hooked up to different drugs, one being called "poison" and acting like it is natural and normal. I did what I could, but mostly we just hung out, amused him with a few stories and one of us had a nap.

People often call people fighting cancer brave. Tommy is brave, but the things that impressed me the most was his kindness. He was polite to everyone. He engaged in conversations about Christmas with his nurses. He offered a woman his chair. He asked his Doctor to come out to the waiting room to meet us. He thanked everyone. He is awesome. I am more than impressed and proud of his integrity.

When you are in a hospital all day, you forget about time and the outside world. I happened to take a trip to the bathroom at sunset. It was beautiful and gave me hope.

When we went to the valet to get the car, the 3 of us were waiting in a circle (triangle). I looked down and in the middle of us on the floor was a shiny penny. I know that that was a sign from our friend MJ who died when he was 16 and we were in our late teens/twenties. We will take all the signs and prayers we can get to cure Tommy of this sucky disease.

No More Teens

When I began this blog, B was 9, K was 10. You and I have watched them grow through this online journal of sort. For many, many years, my moniker was mom to two teens. Well guess what? Those tweens that became teens are now officially both in their twenties. That's right! B is 20 today.  I'll wait for another time to discuss how weird it is to have a 20 and 21 year old. Today, we celebrate B!

Dear Cookie,
You have really come into your own this year! You have always been determined to get things done, but this year I have noticed you taking your own future in your hands. You are not afraid to ask for help which is such a sign of maturity.

Of course I had to read all the birthday posts that I have written for you over the past 10 years. They are all similar. I mention your smile, your laugh, your singing and your inside and out beauty. However, looking at pictures of you, I realized how cute you are in hats!! Quite the fashionista :) Maybe Santa will bring you a new one!

Love you honey! Hope this year is the best one yet!!

Judy Blume Did Not Prepare Me For This

My favorite tshirt is one I got a Sparklecorn party in 2010. It was one of the many parties at Blogher and I believe that year we were in NYC. The front of it says,

JUDY BLUME DID NOT PREPARE ME FOR THIS

It relates in so many ways. I wore it painting a bedroom, I wore it to physical therapy, I've worn it to the beach, on walks, to bed. I chuckle whenever I wear it because Judy Blume was my favorite author growing up and she taught me a lot, just not everything.

My brother has cancer.

Again.

I feel like living in this tshirt. WTF? My little brother who I am suppose to take care of and protect has a disease that I can do nothing about. He had cancer 15 years ago. He had radiation to shrink the tumor in his sinus, then had it operated on, healed and rode his bike every year to raise money for cancer research. After the 5 year mark and especially the 10 year mark, when it did not come back, we all breathed a sigh of relief.

And sort of forgot about his cancer.

Then this summer, he had a sore on the roof of his mouth. It seems like a blur from the beginning of September to now, but it included an ENT, MRI, 2nd opinions and a 6 1/2 hour surgery to remove the tumor sitting at the base of his sinus cavity reaching into his mouth and 49 lymph nodes. He is currently trying to gain some weight back before he starts radiation and chemo.

There are a few blatant ironies rearing their ugly heads. One is that the treatment (radiation) that helped him in his first battle with cancer has caused his second battle with cancer. And there is no way for him to avoid radiation again. Two, he has raised 10's of thousands of dollars for Dana Farber Cancer Institute over the past 11 years riding in the Pan Mass Challenge. Last year alone, he raised $30,000. Now he is being treated by the very doctors he and his riding are supporting.

He is starting radiation and chemo after Thanksgiving for 6 + weeks. I thank God for the support of family, friends and strangers. However, I am scared, we are all scared. The what if's are huge and I do not have Judy's phone number to ask her to write us a book on this topic. I guess, my tshirt and faith will have to pull us through.

He's done it before, he can do it again. Here is to Tommy kicking cancer's ass.

K is 21

21 years ago, I gave birth for the first time to a beautiful red head with a swirl of hair at the top of her head. The nurses insisted that she would have curly hair. Boy were they right! The didn't mention that my little red head would be strong willed. When K was around 2, I remember telling the pediatrician that she was strong willed and would not give up trying to do pretty much anything until she succeeded. The pediatrician assured me that as hard as that trait was as a toddler, it was going to be an asset when she got older. I could not agree more!

K, as you embark on your year of being "legal", do not ever forget that determined little girl you once were. You can move mountains with your strength (Ok, maybe not a mountain, but you get where I am going). You are thriving and surviving on the other side of the country. You work, go to school, and still manage to have time on the beach and to hang with your friends. I feel that our relationship is stronger despite the miles between us. I am so grateful for that and for you!

It's B's Birthday

Dear Birthday Girl B,
19.
Wow.
It is hard to imagine that you are 19 when I still think of you around this age.

I am glad that H and I could surprise you at college last night! Speaking of college, I know that the beginning was really hard for you. I know how hard it was for you to "adult" on your own. It's hard managing living on your own (laundry, meals, keeping your own room) AND friends, schoolwork and managing that free time. But you have done it! And that is what you need to be proud of. Many things that are hard to accomplish are more appreciated in the long run. Less than 2 weeks and you are finished with semester number 1! That is unbelievable!! You have rocked it, well maybe not every day, but many days. It was fun to hang out with you and your friends today. I am blessed and overjoyed to be your mom. And believe it or not, all this college business was just as hard for me as it was for you!






I love you !!!!

No Way Jose

I've always loved a good storm. There is a certain electricity in the air, lots of excitement around town and usually news reporters since we live out on the "elbow" of Cape Cod. Recent storms like Harvey and Irma were not "good storms". The flooding, death and destruction was tragic. A good Cape Cod storm is a strong Nor'Easter which is what "they" are predicting Hurricane Jose to be. No one is boarding up shops or houses, there is not a run on water, but people have moved or REmoved boats. I went out this afternoon to take some pre-storm photos. The problem with a strong storm around this time of the year is that a lot of leaves fall off the trees and the salt water flying through the air causes a lot of fall flowers to die. Here's a little taste of pre-Jose.....

 Hazel's, always ready for a party

Riptide

Skiffs piled up

K On Her Way

First Day of Kindergarten complete with butterfly

This girl has always done things her way. They may not always be the easiest way or the conventional way, but she perseveres and gets what she wants. Tomorrow she starts college in California, 2 years after she graduated high school. She took her time, followed her heart and will be a full time working college student. I wish I was there to buy you your first day of school outfit and your new backpack, K, like I was all those other years. I think you will make new friends, learn lots of new things and grow in unimaginable ways. I am so very proud of you.

Thoughts on Mother's Day

Mother's Day has given my some time to think about moms. I love being a mom. Seriously, I could not even think of a better job to do. Not even having to taste test M&M's or chocolate chip ice-cream all day would be a better job. I simply just love being a mom. So, I have been wondering how a person such as myself who did not like babysitting and was not really "comfortable" around little kids when I was younger turned into a person who loves being a mom. I would say it has to do with the people that came before me.

Now, before I start, do not get me wrong. Everybody has flaws and no one's life is perfect. I am taking the best of each "mom" here and how they influenced me for the best.

My mom's mom, also known as Nanny or Bernice was part of my life until my mid twenties. I do not often remember her smiling, but I do remember little things that make me think she cared about us a lot. She and my grandfather had a house on Lake Winnepesauke in NH. She always made sure that there was a little present on our beds when we arrived. For me it was usually a bag of M&Ms and a Trixie Beldon or Nancy Drew book. Sometimes it was comic books. For lunch she would make us Peanut Butter and Fluff sandwiches, with chips and Mountain Dew. She always baked congo bars or chocolate cake before we came, too. One time when I was sick at her house, she made a pulley system from my bed to the door with a cup on it. She would put m&ms in it and I would pull it over to the bed.

My dad's mom, also known as Grandma or Eleanor, was also around until my mid twenties. Where my Nanny lacked in emotion, my Grandma made up for it. She was always smiling. She would take us bowling and then we would take her on a mystery ride on the way home. How she knew how to find our house without GPS is a miracle because we would take her all over town. She loved Maine as much as me. We could sit on the beach for hours playing games, body surfing or tanning. One time when I was in college and she and I were at our house in Maine before the rest of my family came for the summer, we had a bad thunder and lightening storm in the middle of the night. I was petrified and sat on a stool in the middle of the family room ready to run when the nearest tree came down. She somehow knew I was sitting there and came out to reassure me and help me see the beauty in the storm.

My mom is the mom everyone wanted growing up. She was at all of our games, recitals etc. She was the mom to go to for chocolate chip cookies. She volunteered in the school, She was happy to have our friends to our house.  She was and is always good for a hug and an 'I told you so'. She did not give us everything we wanted growing up, but helped us with solutions for how to get it. We spent every summer in Ogunquit, Maine with her while my dad came up on weekends. We all spent every winter weekend at Waterville Valley ski racing. She did not like to ski, but liked being there to warm our toes and give us a good lunch before sending us back out for afternoon training. She still is our biggest cheerleader and is now her grandchildrens' biggest cheerleader. She also has a great sense of a humor and a laugh that K can imitate to a tee. She has certainly taught me how to find the humor in every situation, good or bad.

I often feel badly that I cannot give my girls everything that they want, that I cannot do more for them. I feel badly that we cannot go on great vacations or that I cannot buy them all that they want or deserve. However, looking back on my memories of my role models, I see that that is not necessarily what's most important. Don't get me wrong, money helps, but in this case it is certainly not everything. I did not write about the expensive things that each bought me, I did not write about jetting off across the world with them, I did not write about them buying me a brand new Mercedes when I turned 16, mostly because those things did not happen. The things that immediately came to my memory was the compassion, the love, the hugs and the caring. The just being available and making me believe that I was important and cherished was what counted. I only hope that one day, my girls can see that this empathy, love, caring is the one gift I can give them that does not cost a thing, but is the most sincere.  So, I will end with a big thank-you to my role models and an even bigger thank-you to B and K for giving me the opportunity to have the best job in the whole world.

Not a Teenager Any More

K,

20. Holy crap. How did that happen?

When I look at you, I still see this:

But in reality, you are a beautiful young lady making it on your own. Oh, I know that you have ideas and plans and things that you think you should be doing right now. However, take a look through my eyes. You have taken up residency 3000 miles away from home. You get yourself to work every day, you pay your bills, you grocery shop for yourself, you go to the beach whenever you can and you pay your rent. Extremely impressive. I know you don't see it that way because you get tangled up in "shoulds". Should haves, could haves and would haves can trip you up. Believe me, it has taken me many years to figure that one out.

So, as you embark on your 20s, have some goals in mind, but don't forget to sit back and smell the ocean,

remember how many people love you for you,

and that no matter what coast your are on, your mom is still your number 1 fan.

Happy Birthday sweet bun-nay.
I love you

Happy Birthday MOM!!

It's my mom's birthday today!!! I am extremely lucky to be friends with my parents. They are the greatest! My mom's favorite color is yellow. I guess it started way back when.....

She loves wearing yellow too,

Here is a composition of all things yellow from our trip to Paris 10 years ago.

And for her birthday, she picked out this yellow raincoat which has come in handy on this rainy day. Here are my adorable parents going out for a fancy dinner tonight, just the 2 of them.

Hope this year brings you all things wonderful, Mom!!

Whales: Where Art Thou

There are an abundance of right whales off the coast of Cape Cod right now. I heard that of the 500 or so in the world, about 1/2 of them are around Provincetown. For whatever reason, there is more than the usual amounts of krill and other little things that the whales like to eat. Being school vacation week, I had the opportunity to go to Ptown 3 times this week. I had my sister's  huge telephoto lens. I was ready to get the details of the whales as they leapt out of the water. I already saw my whale picture on the cover of National Geographic. I was prepared!

This is what I got:

Now I am sure that will not suffice for the National Geographic cover or really your viewing pleasure. The water was Caribbean blue today, so I took some second place pictures while I was waiting for my whale to surface.

The seagull cooperated.

Herring Cove parking lot is about half the size after the past 2 winters.

Also Herring Cove.

I love taking pics of laundry lines. Why? I do not know, but always have.

 Look at the color of that water! If only it was warmer out....

Anyone want to go on a whale watch with me? I'll bring the camera and the Dramamine.

B's 18th

18 years ago today, I was laying in a hospital bed with my second daughter. When I realized that I was pregnant with her, I wondered how I would love another human being as much as my first born. Little did I realize that it was easy. Your heart grows and you love the second one just as much as the first one. I am sure if I was blessed with more children,  it would be the same: my heart would just keep growing. 

I have read what I have written about you, B,  for the past 8 years and nothing much has changed. You still get my sense of humor and have actually adopted it for yourself. You are still a leader (hmm, captain of 2 swim teams). You still sing any chance you get (yes, I listen when you don't think I am. Please don't stop). You are still compassionate and kind and I love hanging with you and your friends. 

So B, all I have to offer is advice for your future. You have college to look forward to and whether or not your shoulders give up on you, you will still make wonderful memories. People gravitate toward you because you are fun to be around. You are polite, smart and caring. You sing like an angel and I hope you will always treasure that gift. And it is a gift; one that I was not blessed with, but appreciate so very much. So, whether you decide to teach Kindergarteners, walk on the moon or be a neuroscientist, I hope you will sing your way through every day. 

Know that I love you very much. You'll be surprised to know I have tears right now (haha). Know that I love every adventure and car ride we go on. And please know that I would give you the world if I could. The great thing is, whatever I cannot give you, I know that you will go out and get yourself. 

Happy Birthday Cookie
Love, Mama

Kent's Point

Some people go on walks to exercise. You see them in their workout clothes, some pumping their arms, some listening to music, some looking angry. The purpose is one of getting fit/staying fit.

Bobby and I go on a lot of walks. I would most definitely say they are not of the serious work out type. Ours are more of regrouping, finding new things, taking pictures, finding rocks, seaglass or shells. The fresh air and exercise are bonuses.

Today we went on a walk at Kent's Point in Orleans. I didn't bring my camera or my phone for that matter, so no pictures from me. What I noticed on today's walk was the smells and sounds. Of course they are 2 things that I cannot "show" you. The wildflowers smelled delicious, they were white. The marshy ocean area smelled heavenly and the lilac bushes were lovely to look at and smell. Throughout the whole walk, we could hear the waves hitting the outer beach. While things were relatively calm where we were, it is amazing to think of a stormy sea a few miles away. Then there were the birds. Or course, I am not a bird woman and have no idea which bird makes which sound except for the woodpecker that we could hear. The others just sounded like little songs matching the crunching of the leaves and pine under our feet.

The walk has a lot to offer in the fact that it is mostly wooded, but you can also walk on the beach and enjoy an inlet with many boats. Lots of people walk there with their dogs. So many people, that when we got there a woman with a lab asked us what type of dog we had with us. We were just there to take some breathes and catch up on our day.

A shot from a fall walk at Kent's Point.

Wicked Tulips

My friend, Jen, introduced me to a place in Rhode Island that was offering tulip picking.

"Tulip picking?" I asked.

"Yes, as in acres of tulips and you can pick your own."

AWESOME!!

The "place" is called Wicked Tulips and it is is Johnston, Rhode Island. I had been following their progress on FB and through their newsletters and when it came time to buy tickets, I jumped at the chance! I figured what a fun adventure and timing it with Mother's Day weekend, was an added bonus.

The five of us piled into my sister's car and headed to RI. I invited my mom, sister, my sister's mother-in-law and my 5 year old niece. The fog on the Cape and the heavy gray clouds in RI did not deter us. When we arrived at the farm, we were met by no less than 5  happy, helpful and friendly men directing us to park. We were ready with boots and a bucket and raincoats. The raincoats came in very handy when the skies opened up 10 minutes after we arrived. The farm offered us some umbrellas and off we went!

The view from the parking lot. I was giddy!

Let's DO this!

Thankfully, it only rained for about 10 minutes. I was itching to get my camera out from under my jacket! There was a section of tulips to pick and a show garden where you could look at the different types.

Here is a sample.

My niece had a ball! If she wasn't picking flowers, she was running up and down the aisles or stomping in mud!

Wet or not, we were a happy crew! I hope these people continue this endeavor because we plan on making it an annual event. Honestly, I am not sure if I liked the picking better or taking the pictures!

It's obvious, we love a camera (and tulips!)

This is not a sponsored post. I was so grateful to find this farm and be able to enjoy it! You can buy tickets during the week right at the farm, but for the weekends you have to order them ahead of time. The tickets are $5 and the tulips are a dollar a stem.